Walking Away from God

This isn't an easy blog post to write.  The truth is I don't have to write it.  No one is requiring me to do it.  I could walk away right now, close the laptop down and forget it.  But, I have a feeling that is exactly what Satan would like me to do.

The only reason I am not walking away is because of Jesus.  He sacrificed so much for me and God, my Father, sacrificed so much for me, that I can hardly hold this Truth from the one person it may touch.  The only thing I ask of you, one person, is to promise me you'll read until the end.  Promise?

Okay, here it is.  My testimony that was intended to destroy me, but instead strengthened me.

One time I walked away from God and I had every reason to do it.

You see, I accepted Jesus at an early age, in a country church just down from where I now live.  My brother and I both went down on the same night.  I felt the tug in my heart and it was so overwhelming I thought I would die if I didn't head down to that altar.  I knew I had a choice though.  I knew I could walk out the back of the church and work the rest of my life to deny that still, small voice pleading for me to choose Life.  So, I did.  Absolute euphoria followed that decision.

And life could of, should of, would of been easy....except it wasn't.  I was sexually molested.  The devil swooped in and tried to destroy me.

I was devastated.  I had a secret hidden so deep within me that I could scarcely breathe for fear it would pop out of my tiny soul.  I was ashamed.  I was mortified.  What if anyone found out?  The devil would whisper lies to me encouraging me to hold fast to my secret.  I envisioned what would happen if someone found out, people would crowd around wanting to know more and quickly.  Families would be ripped apart.  My "normalcy" as I knew it would be destroyed.  These thoughts were my constant companion.  I had nowhere to run.  I could not hide.  I was humiliated and scared.

I remember my mother coming to tell me goodnight one night.  The burden was so heavy that I was crying alone in my bed.  She asked me what was wrong.  I could not speak.  I could not let go of my secret, so I only continued to cry.  Even her encouragement could not wrestle the demon trying to destroy me.

I was so consumed by the continuous attack that I became worn down.  I lacked freedom.  So, I eventually decided I would make my own way out of it.  I would fight the world.

I stood in the bathroom of my parent's home and had a showdown with God.  I shook my fist at Him and railed at him, "How could you let this happen to me?  Why don't you stop it?  Where are you?"

I was so hurt.  Every ounce of confusion, hurt, and shame I threw at God.  I am back there right now in that bathroom.  I can see it like it just happened.  I am crying the same, too.

And then, I knew I had a choice.  I could get back at God something whispered.  I could walk away.

So, I shook my fist and looked up and I told God I was walking away, "I don't need you if you can't protect me."

And that was it.  I meant it.  In my mind, I felt a cloud hanging above me and my words dissipated that heavenly cloud.  I knew God had honored my choice.

Now, I'm no theologian and I will not debate with you.  I know what I saw and felt.  I truly felt I hurt the tender Holy Spirit of God.  He is as gentle as a dove.

But, I could not back up.  I had made my decision and the world be damned.

How I wish I could say I changed my mind the next day, but I didn't.  In fact, it would be many years of snubbing my nose at God.

But, I can tell you that He never gave up on me.  As I partied my way through my teenage years, I would hear him call to me, "Come back."

I was so miserable and lonely.  I would say, "I will, but not right now."  I had no idea how to get back.  I knew the life I was living was emptying me out.  I had lost so much.  I was looking for salvation in any evil that I could find, and yet, there was nothing.  I would often look at other people and wish I could unzip my body and step into theirs.  I wanted to become someone else, anyone else.

And, yet, there I was unable to escape the sins that were mounting up around me--other people's and my own.

And God graciously brought me to my knees.  He gave me that one wake up call where I had to admit that I wasn't having any fun, that I kept looking but I could find no peace.

One night in my despair and loneliness, God whispered to me about a love that would come to my life.  At first, I told God it wasn't possible.  But my God is a God of impossible.

He brought someone into my life who did not give up on me.  When I railed, they watched and beseeched me to come to church.  When I spewed venom, they loved me.  When I became angry, they told me the things I was running after were the wrong things.  Yes, I got angry.  Yes, I got annoyed, but they never gave up on me.

And, friend, that has made all the difference.  My walk back to God was slow.  I had to trust Him, not to keep me from the hard things, but to make the hard things become good for me.

Good?  Molestation.

Hear me when I say there is nothing God cannot redeem.  Period.  Nothing.

Because it is only through the eyes of eternity that we see the hard things become hardly anything.  Just a blip on the radar screen of the map we are walking to get to the Lord, better, stronger, with greater compassion, love, tenderness, and forgiveness.

Yes, forgiveness.  I can tell you that one of the things I learned from this tragedy was forgiveness.  I learned early to forgive quickly and forever.  I forgave.  I forgave everyone.  Period.

And when I say that I feel perfect, unexplainable peace.  Why?  Because that tragedy does not hold me.  My chains are broken.  God did not give up on me.  He took the broken me and remade me and He will do it again and again.  Each time, I pray I get stronger and stronger and more ready to meet Him face to face.

Don't give up.  He never leaves us, but He also honors our choices.  The devil wants to destroy you.  The Bible tells us He roams the Earth, looking for those to devour!

Aw, but our God, watches with His eye, looking for those who love Him.  He holds us and cares for us, even when we lose Earthly things.  He sees you.

Don't walk away.  The trials are easier when the Lord is near and you trust Him.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, There's Just Something About That Name.