It's interesting how in our lives we have good and bad things all happening at the same time. For instance, your relationship with your spouse may be kicking, but the people at your job are draining you. Your finances may be steady, but your health is declining. Your relationship with the Lord is strong, but your church is closing the doors.
I know I experience this very same thing--the blessings and growings of this life.
For years, the Lord was preparing me to homeschool my children. I always knew in my heart that it was where I was headed, but I could not see how I would get there. There were so many obstacles in my way. There were financial obstacles. There was convincing my husband. There was giving up a work-life that I felt comfortable with. There was removing the nagging doubts. You don't have the money. If only you had saved more before you had children. What if your kids don't get a good education, then you'll be the one to blame! What if you choose the wrong curriculum? What if you hate it? What if your kids hate it? Everyone will think you are weird. What if you miss what you are doing? Who will do your work? What about your friends and co-workers? What about your work mission? What about retirement? Health insurance?
And, of course, there were the opinions of other people. What if your kids miss out on friendships? What about socialization? Your kids will be weird. Your kids won't get a good education. They'll be dumb. It's not good for kids to be with their mom all the time. Retirement? Health insurance?
Sigh.
But, as time wore on and the call of my heart continued, I found that the call was becoming harder and harder to ignore.
The point came when I was miserable!
So many things in my life pointed me to this new adventure. The Lord used other people to press me out of my work and into my destiny. He used my own heart to keep prompting me to move forward. He used other people to encourage me to be brave and take the next step. It's amazing when I look back at those years, I see myself gradually becoming more and more miserable by not doing what God had called me to do.
In fact, my misery became so overwhelming that I would often feel anxiety take hold of me. I would literally feel like I could breakdown at any moment. I started to dislike being around people because I felt like I had to wear the mask that all was well. After all, I felt like no one understood. I also began to think maybe ending my life would be better than the misery I was living in. I mentioned this to my husband when I realized I was becoming depressed. His answer was not what I wanted to hear. He told me he refused to listen to me talk like that when I was so blessed. He was so right, but it was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted my misery to have some company. Now, I can laugh and be grateful that he refused to listen to my moaning. But, at that moment, I felt very alone. I was at the end of my rope.
I think that old adversary, the devil, realized that I was getting closer to taking the step God had for me and he plagued me one night with the possibility of ending my life. All of my family had gone and I was alone. In one moment, the thought came so quickly to my mind that I should pick up the gun by my bed and end it all. The thought was so real, so electrifying that I immediately called out to Jesus. I felt an overwhelming urge to hide the gun, but I was absolutely afraid to even touch it. I was afraid of how convincing that voice was. So, I turned my back to it and cried, praying, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." Peace washed over me and I slept.
I believe without a doubt that the devil is afraid of what we will do when we are loosed from the bondage of the world---when we turn to follow the Lord's call on our life. I have no doubt that he tries to take us down. In fact, the Bible says, "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8)."
My misery was heavy on my soul. I was slogging through life, trying to juggle it all and hold it all together in this area of my life. Over and over people would ask me how I was. Over and over they would speak kind words to me about my work, but it was not enough. I had a mission and I had to choose--misery or mission.
I felt so pressed to jump into my mission that I can scarcely explain it--other than to know the Spirit in me strengthened me and quickened bravery in my heart. I could see myself taking the step and I knew it was the answer. The Lord was calling me and I so desired to follow Him, because I love Him.
It was time.
I can't see the full reason for my mission. I do believe it is partly related to my children, other children, and to other people. I know it's about the Lord and writing this to YOU, one person. When I see Jesus face to face, I know I'll see the mission revealed. And for me that is enough. It is enough to know that today I am where He has put me. Today, I am following His command to reveal my life--so personally--to you. Words are what I have. It is what He has given me and it is what I give back to Him--for you. He loves you so much.
Do not work for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of man shall give to you, for on Him the Father, even God has set His seal. (John 6:27)
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