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Thursday, January 31, 2008

I've Lost IT!

Yep, leave it to me---it's not the first time.... probably won't be the last! And, boy, does my heart ache and I dread looking for it--because, quite frankly, I have no idea what I did with it! And it was a masterpiece, at least, it will be if I never find it b/c no one can ever prove otherwise.

You see, I had a dream...so vivid that I had to write about it. In fact, I was planning to incorporate it into my latest book project. So, I set aside time to write the dream down, in pain-staking detail...letting the words flow with my imagination--so excited for the vision God had given me and the new twist in my book.

Then, I had the dread "writing hiatus". Now, that I am ready to get back to banging out the manuscript, I can't find my "dream writing". I have no idea where I put it. How could I have been so nonchalant about it and just tossed it away? Well, I ask myself that question, but I know the answer. I wasn't ready to move it from handwritten form to typed form at the time, so I just pushed it aside.... waiting for God to bop me on the head and get me back on track! I was mulling over my own inadequacies...my own temptations...my own weaknesses.

And, yet, in all the chaos of lostness, I smile. 'Tis okay. It is lost.....and I will look for it....I may not find it, but the memory of it lives in my mind. And I am thankful that though this piece of a manuscript may be forever lost, I can never be in that state of lostness. Yes, I may stray from the Lord. Yes, I may rebel against my Father, but He will always be there to find me. He never loses me. He would leave all of His sheep, just to find me.

He would do the same for you.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Waiting Time

Whew! God has had me in a waiting time--so much so that my heart aches and I am weary. I look around me and realize that I have been attacked in the places that I felt secure. I have been battled on my home soil. I have been destitute, tried, and convicted.........

And now my weary eyes look up and I see---see Him ready to reach down and guide my feet back to the path that I left--the path of my writing.

You see, I had taken a path of giving up my writing, publicizing, etc. for a few weeks now. When I made the decision to do it, I honestly felt the life breath leave my body. I felt the darkness and the pain of denying myself leak out onto my face in the form of crystal tears. Looking back, I know that I had to do it for God to show me WHO I am, WHO He needs me to be. But, at that moment the pain was great as I told Him that I would give it up.

During my hiatus from writing, no chores were done any quicker than they had been when part of my time was spent writing. No more quality time was spent with my family that it had been when I was writing. But, I can assure you that what was left of me was much smaller when I wasn't writing, than when I was. I was dry and brittle--quick to snap.... I wasn't nurturing MY soul, wasn't feeding it the fruits from harvesting the desires of my heart. Instead I was stagnant, hurt, unsure of where to turn. Unsure of my own identity.

Now, I am stronger, more sure that I must stay on this journey, working diligently through the desires of my heart..... For they are the desires placed there by the Father of Lights--to deny them is to deny His creation.

And so you, too, must find your desires and not give up. Remembering always that we cannot measure our success by the world, but by what we know our workings do for us and for Him.

I would rather share this journey with Him, than trod a path of denying my heart's desires.

And I will.